one of the most common statements we get from people when we say we have fostered 5 kids is "i don't know how do you give them back" - i totally understand this sentiment and why people would ask how we do it. the truth is, fostering is temporary. you go into with a temporary mindset, with a reunification mindset *eye roll*, and with the knowledge that they will be leaving. but what happens when you have a long term placement that you have no idea how the case will be resolved (adoption, relinquish, termination, reunification)?!
it's kind of like feeling at any moment of any day that someone could take your daughter away.
i didn't grow baby j in my belly and i didn't bring her into this world, but every part of my body, brain and heart feels like she is my own. we have known her since day 3 of her life, and she has lived with us since day 10. 8 months can seem like an eternity (when we're talking about a dating in high school), and it can seem like the flash of lightning when you talk about watching a child grow.
what will i do if they take her away from us? my daughter. the baby who knows stefen as 'dada' (and you guys, we are working on other words but it's just not happening) - the baby who knows this home as her home, and who cries when i leave a room, or don't hold her, or hand her off to someone else. i may feel like she's my daughter, but i know she feels like we are her parents. there is no fostering class that will tell you what to do when fostering turns long term, and from infancy.
the stress that fills my body is just seeping out.
i think it was my friend tina that reminded me that no ones kids are really their own. she delivered 3 beautiful kids, but they don't belong to only her. they belong to Christ, right? they are more loved by God than anyone, right? i love baby j so deeply sometimes my body hurts (or is it my lung going flat again? i don't even know anymore) - so it's so hard for me to imagine God loving her MORE. what a beautiful truth.
so how would that change our day to day lives with our children? knowing that God, or DHS, could take them away at any moment. would it make us more patient, loving, funny, and light hearted? it does me.
i try to cherish every second. i just breathe her in, in hopes that i will remember how she smells if she leaves. i study her sweet face hoping i will never forget her 8 month old face, as it changes month by month. the way her fat hands rub our faces when she's feeling cuddly, the way she belly-laughs uncontrollably when we bark like dogs, her crooked half-smile.
