truth

i'm overwhelmed.

i'm overwhelmed by two babies, by bio parents, by DHS, but the judicial system. i'm overwhelmed by it all.

stefen and i came into fostering full throttle, eyes closed, heads down, running fast. we got burnt out instantly with our first sibling set. the shame that came when i had to call the caseworker and say "we can't do it" was insurmountable. so then we stopped. we didn't take a kiddo for months. then our baby girl was born.

the lesson is this: i have to find balance in being a foster parent. i can't let my heart strings be tugged on every time DHS calls. because once the fun of having a new blessing in our home wears off, i am worn down to nothing. i am walking exhaustion. it's not the physical exhaustion that is debilitating - it's the emotional exhaustion. the appointments and the diagnoses and the birth parents and the visitation aftermath. it all falls on me at the end of of the day, onto my shoulders but mostly my heart.

when the beauty of fostering collides with the darkness of it; that's when reality seeps in.


but the balm to my heart is this: i would never know what i could (and couldn't) handle, without experiencing it. experiential learning. it's painful, but it's how so many of us learn.

i've spent the last 2+ years making sure that all of the kiddos in our home come first. my desires, my heartbreak, it can all wait. it can all be stuffed far enough down. i ignored my feelings in the present to project the goodness that would hopefully, eventually, come out of fostering. my feelings in the present were: sadness, confusion, heartbreak, shame.  this will not be my anthem anymore.