some days i truly love that i can see her in my daughter. i see her, and my girl's sisters, in her face and i just beam with pride and joy knowing that she was fearfully and wonderfully made. that she endured so much in the womb and is now this strong feisty almost-two-year-old. but other times, honestly, it hurts. not because i want to see myself in her, and not because i feel bad feelings toward birth mother, but because i think about the great loss that is occurring.
birth parents are not monsters. people who lose their kids are not evil, bad or a lost cause. i want my daughter to know that she did not come from a bloodline of bad people. i will tell her that they are broken people, just like we are. and that we are all broken apart from Jesus. someone along the way lied to this woman, telling her that certain things would be a balm to her aching heart. they lied. it wasn't. instead, it brought her into a great despair.
this woman who carried my child will be a part of our lives forever. i deeply long for an open adoption. research shows that it can be so cathartic and healing for an adopted child, and even for birth parents. but of course i worry. it's a complex flood of emotions when i think about planning for the future of this relationship between a mother and her absent children. my first priority is to protect my daughter, and the rest are challenges we will spend a life time ironing out.
and this is what i want outsiders to know: no one will ever know how my heart feels about birth mom. lots of aching and loving. i could describe it as 'heartbreaking' and that wouldn't even get close to fully encompassing my feelings. that i can say i truly did everything in my power to help this woman get her children back. that my heart was never to adopt but rather to foster and reunify and then pick up the pieces of my heartbreak, knowing that at least hers has been alleviated. there is no such thing as an adoption without great, debilitating loss.
i'm terrified that i will ruin the possible open adoption with birth mother when i take the witness stand during her TPR (termination of parental rights) trial this summer. i will be brave and ethical, but most importantly truthful. i have learned too much about her from our early days of working toward reunification. she told me the deepest and the darkest. she was aching for a friend. later i will ask her for a pass, on behalf of the daughter we share, and she will hopefully give that to us. but if she doesn't, i hope she knows how thankful i am. thankful that she didn't have an abortion in a situation drenched in true hopelessness. i will tell her that i love seeing her in my daughter's eyes. and that hopefully one day i can learn where my girl got her widows peak from, where her green eyes with flecks of gold come from (that stefen just sits and gazes at) and if she can meet her entire biological family a thousand miles away... and that all hope is not lost. i would tell her to have courage, that she is needed. that she is wanted.
i have to constantly remind myself of all of her good attributes, because i know all of the bad about her. and so does everyone else. her life became an open book with pages filled up to the edges with darkness and sadness.
if you ever want to adopt a child you must know this: the child is only half of the journey. you will forever be linked to a biological family of a hundred other people that are grieving the loss of the gain you just received (whether your adoption is open or closed). i would never advocate for an adoption where the parents did not fully and deeply comprehend this. do not be scared of a biological family. do not sweep them under the rug. because you will eventually have to face your children and answer for how you handled this delicate balance. if you don't know how to do this, learn from people who have done this before. never stop educating yourself.
and as i slowly leak these stories to my daughter through the years, by the grace of God, she will know she is deeply loved by two mothers. that there is true hope in Jesus. and that God placed her with us on purpose, that no pain is wasted, and that i will protect her with my life. and then i will give her this quote, because i think it sums up how i feel about her as a woman that is absolutely in shock that God chose me to be her mother:
"nobody will ever love you as much as an artist can. on your worst days, they will find poetry in the knots of your hair"
there are lots of people to love in this mess.
chelsie
No comments:
Post a Comment