simplifying.

i haven't blogged in a while. life has been stressful. a few weeks ago i was talking to my dad and he said "you need to make a list of the things that are getting in the way of your peace, and get rid of them one by one"...so i did.

i won't repeat the list here, because to be honest, i name names. people cause me anxiety, expectations cause me anxiety, money causes me anxiety, marriage and motherhood do too.

i started off by physical distractions that get in the way of me feeling peace. my home. i'm here all the time, and when my home isn't in order, my mind isn't in order. i made a list of 28 spaces that i needed to declutter. and even though i've got 3 left, i've been getting rid of everything we own. gifts that i've kept for YEARS because i felt too guilty to get rid of, gone. wall art that makes my home seem over cluttered, gone. clothes, toys, books, movies, gone.

next were time distractions. facebook, deactivated. i've blogged considerably less. less tv (more reading).

emotional distractions. for me this is relationships. anyone ever feel like they need a sabbatical from people? is that an introvert thing? it takes energy and time to nourish friendships, and it is very rewarding...but the last few weeks i have just needed a break. it sounds selfish, but i have been craving to pour that energy into my marriage and my daughter. i'm spending more energy on my relationship with my parents, and less energy on strangers. i'm nourishing my small circle of family. this phase won't last forever, but i'm enjoying it for now.

why i'm sick of social media.

a couple of weeks ago i deactivated my facebook account. best decision ever. i don't even miss it. and why did i do it? because i'm so tired of seeing super-moms. and people who are trying to let the world know how awesome they are.

you heard it right, and yes i'm looking at you, too pinterest and instagram. you are a feeding ground for super moms to show off their adorable children and perfectly vacuumed carpet (the valencia filter is really good for that, by the way).

things that super moms do and say that make me want to crawl inside my preheated oven and hold my breath until i pass out or burn to death:

blogging- HOW in the WORLD do you women have time to blog about how to be a perfect wife and mom, all while still being a perfect wife and mom? and then you pin pins to your pinterest that link to your blog. and i just can't.

pictures of your perfectly coiffed children- look, my kids hair has a mind of its own. she only gets bathed every day if she's sick or if she decides to run a marathon during the day. she only wears bows and/or anything other than pajamas if we are going to see important people. but your kids? they have the perfectly matching mudpie outfits that costs more than i spend on groceries for the month, with matching bow. and shoes. how do you even keep shoes on a baby? i mean, really.

pinning pins that link to your own blog about how clean and wonderful you are- a part of me really wants to read your blog article (that you have pinned SEVENTY FIVE times) about how important it is to not have clutter on your kitchen counters. really. i do. and then i get side tracked by your other blog post about how to only spend $1.50 on groceries every week and how to freeze every meal ever (i will never be okay with eating food that's been frozen for 6 weeks, i don't care how much money it saves me).

women, is this what really God is calling us to be? aren't we more than HOW-TOs and DIYs? shouldn't we do less pinning and more serving? more human interaction? less cleaning and more kingdom-minded things?

i've vowed to only follow people on instagram that are uplifting, that encourage me and remind me that being a mom to a baby is fun and not perfect. i only want social media interaction with people that i would have face-to-face interaction with. and truly, i don't need to be spending my time checking pinterest, seeing the same pins over and over, and wasting my time. i want my 2014 to be about relationships; about loving on the people who have loved us so well in 2013.

energy isn't a fountain that never dries up. it dries up all of the time. i can spend my energy worrying about why my house isn't perfect, or i can spend my energy focusing on my family. how to better love them and serve them (in my experience, that takes a lot of energy if you're doing it right). and at the end of my energy cycle, if i don't have enough reserve to clean out the pantry like i had wanted to - that's okay, because i used my energy in a much better way.

sweet baby.

one of the most common statements we get from people when we say we have fostered 5 kids is "i don't know how do you give them back" - i totally understand this sentiment and why people would ask how we do it. the truth is, fostering is temporary. you go into with a temporary mindset, with a reunification mindset *eye roll*, and with the knowledge that they will be leaving. but what happens when you have a long term placement that you have no idea how the case will be resolved (adoption, relinquish, termination, reunification)?!

it's kind of like feeling at any moment of any day that someone could take your daughter away.

i didn't grow baby j in my belly and i didn't bring her into this world, but every part of my body, brain and heart feels like she is my own. we have known her since day 3 of her life, and she has lived with us since day 10. 8 months can seem like an eternity (when we're talking about a dating in high school), and it can seem like the flash of lightning when you talk about watching a child grow.

what will i do if they take her away from us? my daughter. the baby who knows stefen as 'dada' (and you guys, we are working on other words but it's just not happening) - the baby who knows this home as her home, and who cries when i leave a room, or don't hold her, or hand her off to someone else. i may feel like she's my daughter, but i know she feels like we are her parents. there is no fostering class that will tell you what to do when fostering turns long term, and from infancy.

the stress that fills my body is just seeping out.

i think it was my friend tina that reminded me that no ones kids are really their own. she delivered 3 beautiful kids, but they don't belong to only her. they belong to Christ, right? they are more loved by God than anyone, right? i love baby j so deeply sometimes my body hurts (or is it my lung going flat again? i don't even know anymore) - so it's so hard for me to imagine God loving her MORE. what a beautiful truth.

so how would that change our day to day lives with our children? knowing that God, or DHS, could take them away at any moment. would it make us more patient, loving, funny, and light hearted? it does  me.

i try to cherish every second. i just breathe her in, in hopes that i will remember how she smells if she leaves. i study her sweet face hoping i will never forget her 8 month old face, as it changes month by month. the way her fat hands rub our faces when she's feeling cuddly, the way she belly-laughs uncontrollably when we bark like dogs, her crooked half-smile.

needing relief.

i'm writing this blog post to completely purge my awful feelings from this week, this exhausting, exhausting week.

4 weeks ago my husband had back surgery. he herniated a disc at work (catching a patient). this has been one nightmare after another. it took workman's comp SIX WEEKS to even get him to a doctor. a few weeks later he had surgery, and now-a few weeks even later- he seems to be in more pain than ever. we are in close quarters since he isn't working. our schedules are off. we are off. we have had a really hard year. 

this week involved a sick, teething baby that at one point i think screamed for four hours straight while we were at doctor's appointments where the doctor was completely incompetent. we waited THREE HOURS to see a doctor who walked in and called my husband "steve". i can't even tell you the frustration that has been welling up inside me this week, flowing out in tears. this is the result of being in and out of hospitals the last six months. a lung here, an appendix there. not to mention the emotional and absolutely insane fostering journey we are on.

i cry out to God and ask him for relief.

and even though we weened baby j off of pacies at 6 months, i found the nearest walmart in tulsa this week and bought this. and no, it didn't work. which is probably a good thing.

my 26th year.

first of all, in case no one knew, yesterday was my birthday! i turned 27. even typing that number i think "i'm still a baby!" but i thought i'd write some of the big lessons i've learned in my 26th year. because, well, it was one of the craziest years of our lives!

let's start with money. i learned so much about money in my 26th year! i had the book knowledge (and the dave ramsey rules) but never the "God has full and total sovereignty over my bank account" knowledge. wow, what a lesson. as you can only imagine, we racked up some serious medical debt in my 26th year. i had 3 surgeries. i can still remember just getting the doctor's bill for my big surgery. i cried and cried and cried, then took two benadryl and fell asleep, hoping i wouldn't remember all those numbers on that page. i ended up getting over myself, called the hospital and got set up on a payment plan. when i have to pay that bill every month, it's still painful. but what God taught me is that the money didn't matter. He had a bigger plan for my life, and without those doctors and hospitals that we are paying back, i wouldn't be here to write this blog post. God showed me that money and security is such an easy idol for me to worship (surprise, surprise). it was a brutal and beautiful lesson.

that i could actually love something more than myself for an extended period of time. you guys. i can feel tears welling up just thinking about this lesson. kids, and children, and babies, and foster care, and my heart just expanded. right now, there is an almost 6 month old in the next room, sleeping in her crib with her fat cheek smashed so much that you can't even see her closed eye. that baby has taught me lesson after lesson in my 26th year, but mainly that there is indeed someone in the world that i would do anything for. there isn't a single day that goes by that i don't think about the others that have stayed in this home in my 26th year. i don't get a high return on these investments, and i probably never will - and it's amazing that my selfish self can still love them so deeply. and if baby j ends up going home in my 27th year, that will be a whole new lesson.

that my husband is my bestie for the restie. stefen and i have seen dark days in my 26th year, to be honest. we have come to be closer than ever, but not without lesson after lesson. i can look at my husband today and say that he IS my better half (whatever that even means...), and that he is my teammate and my best friend. i love our love story, and the craziness of my 26th year is definitely included in that.

that i don't know anything. this one is self-explanatory. i'm always learning, asking questions, picking apart people's brains (welllll, at least the people who i think are doing things right...). at the end of the day, i am still completely reliant on God's grace to give me new mercies every morning. when i fail as a wife, a mother, a follower of Christ.

so what's on the agenda for year 27? i think we may close our foster home. i think we may take a long vacation somewhere cold. i think we may adopt. i think we will pay off of our debt. i think we may give more. i think we may love each other better. i think we may counsel, and be counseled more. and i'm going to try really hard not to obtain (in one way or another) any more animals in my 27th year.

thanks for reading!
chelsie

communication to the rescue.

being able to communicate effectively is so important to being a foster parent. people would be surprised at how many people foster parent's have to engage with regarding their children. for example, just today alone, i spoke face to face with baby j's caseworker, i also emailed him later in the day, i spoke face to face with bio mom, spoke face to face with a fellow foster mom, spoke on the phone to her, and emailed her. and that is just a normal day. so basically, there's a lot of communicating going on, and it needs to be clear, concise, and purposeful.

let me begin by saying i'm a terrible communicator. but really. it was always such an unfortunate quality of mine. i'm an anxious person a lot of the time, i'm hyper-vigilent (always on alert about every tiny little thing that is happening anywhere near me...it's hard to communicate with a brain like that), and i'm an introvert. i have like 8 people that i talk to, and that i know how to communicate with. so there's a learning curve every time i speak with someone new, which is often in the foster care system. then i got married, and i realized what a necessity communication is, and how much love that it could sew and what a blessing it could be. it can make a tense situation easier. it can gently bring lies to truth and darkness to light. in simple ways, it can save time, confusion, hurt feelings, thin skin (me, i have that.)

in every arena that you will be in for foster care, you will have to communicate differently.

in the court room, if you are advocating for a child in your care, they will let you get up and you have to say a few words but you have to be FAST. either the judge or the DA will just cut you off.

to your caseworker, who should be the brains of scheduling visits and things that directly involve the FPs, communication should be quick and to the point. they are busy people! we found out our caseworker prefers email, that way there's a paper trail of information and he can revisit it. so now we email him, and it works great.

to fellow FPs, some know this and some don't, but our sweet baby j has two equally sweet, squeezable sisters. they were placed in a foster home in stillwater before baby j was even discharged from the hospital. they.are.awesome. they are brilliant parents. they have five kids in their home (3 biological and then the sisters - i'll call them A5 and K2) and they're sane, organized and loving. we probably talk to them the most. sometimes our conversations are like talking to friends, and other times it's business. just depends on what brought us to talk that particular day.

to bio parents, this is...difficult. i see the bio mom face to face a couple of times a month. that's really a lot compared to other cases. and to be honest, it's hard. it's hard to communicate with people who are making poor life choices. they are emotional, struggling for power, and sometimes they can be dishonest and confusing. we try and keep things simple. let's communicate the your kids, motherhood, and tips and tricks for child rearing. we try to steer clear of any communication taking the attention off of the kids (A5 and K2's foster mom is way better at this than i am). i really try and not let emotions lead the conversations (on anyones side), but sometimes it does happen.

random people, strangers that you have never met will ask you the most inappropriate questions about foster care. the most brutally offensive questions. i like the approach of PRIVACY. so a lot of times i will say "well, i can't disclose that information to anyone that isn't immediate family" or "what the hell did you just ask me?" - kidding on the last one. communicating in situations like this requires composure and brevity.

this list doesn't even include doctors, developmental specialists, psychiatrists, school employees, etc. there are a lot of cooks in the DHS kitchen, let me tell you what.

hope this was insightful!
chelsie

Why Would Anyone Want to Foster or Adopt from Foster Care?

Believe it or not, we have been asked this question. Believe it or not, it has been asked on more than one occasion. And, believe it or not, it has been asked by our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. You may have even secretly asked yourself the same question, afraid to say it aloud and sound callous or ignorant if the words fell clumsily from your mouth. Chelsie and I believe whole-heartedly that every person on Earth that professes a Christian faith shares our calling: a calling to love and nurture and provide for foster and orphan children. It is a calling straight from the New Testament. James, the brother of Jesus, writes, “What God the Father considers pure and genuine religion is this: to take care of orphans and widows in their suffering and to keep yourself from being corrupted by the world” (Ch. 1, V 27). Take a second and let that sink in. First, this is the BROTHER of Jesus; as in, the guy who knew Jesus just about as well as anyone ever could. They grew up together, played together, went to school and church together, had sword fights and built forts with each other. They probably even shared a room, and we all know there are few secrets between siblings that share a room. Secondly, this is the same James to whom the resurrected Jesus made a special appearance, and who was prominent among the disciples. So, it’s safe to say that when this man writes about the things Jesus and the Father hold most dear and value above all else, he’s probably right.

When I say that everyone shares our calling, I don’t mean that every believer should go to his or her nearest DHS office and set up camp until they give you a child to take home. Although, what if that happened? What if every family volunteered to take in one child? Just one? There would be NO shelters. There would be NO orphans (in this country). The media would go crazy. The name of Jesus and an image of a selfless church would be front-page, every-channel news. What a dream. Until this dream becomes reality, Chelsie and I believe that the calling we all share may manifest itself in different ways. These are numerous and can get creative so I will attempt to name a few.

• Become a certified emergency-care family. You go through the same process of home-studies and background checks, making yourself and your home available to a child temporarily. Many times a child is removed from a home in the middle of the night because of the evidence of illegal activity, illness, or injury. These sweet kids are sleeping in their beds while mom and dad are cooking up some  Drano-laced meth in the kitchen. Police show up, the party’s over and these children are confused, sleepy, and terrified. You could offer your home for the night, the weekend, or the week until the proper authorities step in and a plan is put in place. These commitments are for no more than 30 days and are often less than a week.

• Become a certified respite-care family. This requires only a short home study and allows you to provide temporary, very short-term relief for a foster family. The commitment is usually one night, a weekend, or maybe a week at the most.

• Be a free baby-sitter to a foster/adoptive family in your church. Speaking from experience, sometimes it’s nice to get a break for just a few hours. Any parent out there can attest to this.

• If you have children, lend out some items that your child has outgrown or no longer uses. It’s ok; you can put your initials on the tags and get it back in gently used condition. Foster/adopted children rarely carry germs and bacteria that are  any different than the ones your own child spreads around your home anyway (insert sarcasm font here).

• I hesitate to offer up this next one for fear it will be misinterpreted, but a little financial help goes a LONG way. While it is true that the State provides a monthly stipend to foster families on a per-child basis, this does not occur on asneeded basis. It is a meager amount of money that rarely covers the multitude of expenses that come with feeding, clothing, healing, and generally caring for a child. This goes double for babies or a child with a chronic illness like RSV, asthma, etc. You don’t have to empty your bank account to be a Good Samaritan. A pack of diapers, money for formula or snacks, or $10 for gas money when you know the family is traveling for court appearances or a visit with mom and dad is so helpful and much-appreciated.

As I said, these are just a few examples of ways to help. And I have to brag on our church family a little bit here, because we have been in want for very few things during our foster care tenure. We have the most thoughtful and encouraging pastor, a group of deacons and elders that give until there is little left (not just financially), and many friends that would lay down in traffic for us or our foster baby. They are precious and awesome in every sense of the word. That being said, we’ve come to realize that not everyone out there shares our Biblically-minded philosophy when it comes to foster care. In America today, a staggering 107,000 children are available for adoption right now. As in, this very minute there are over 100,000 kids without a home, living in overcrowded, underfunded shelters. A quick search of churches in our area reveals approximately 270 congregations within the confines of our county. In comparison, there are slightly less than 30 foster homes. That means that if you count a one home-to one church ratio of our county, around 240 churches professing some sort of faith in a higher power or god, many of these being Bible-believing, Jesus-following worshippers, simply disregard what the Bible actually says when it comes to “pure and genuine” faith. In light of such overwhelming numbers, how can we ignore this blatant, glaring need?

So, coming back to the original question, why would anyone adopt from foster care? Well, to put it simply, you do it to honor God the Father by imitating his Son, Jesus. When the apostles tried to prevent the children from running up and hugging their beloved Master because kids are too sticky, snotty, or loud, Mark says Jesus was indignant (i.e. angry, offended, resentful, annoyed). Jesus scolded them and said, “Let the children come to me and don’t try to stop them! The Kingdom of God
belongs to such as these. (Mark 10:14)” Children are a wonderful and exemplary picture of those whose simple trust illustrates what faith truly is. Jesus’ statement reveals that He values everyone as important, as does His Father, even those whom we have forgotten or deem insignificant or unadoptable. What Jesus says next may (and should) really bother you: “‘Let me tell you the truth, anyone that does not receive the Kingdom of God like a child will NEVER enter it.’ After He took the children in His arms, he placed his hands on them and blessed them.” At this point the disciples look and are probably feeling pretty dumb. And ashamed. And silly. Here’s Jesus getting sticky, and snotty, and loud (and maybe even a little undignified) in front of everyone because these children matter. They’re not forgotten. They’re not damaged. They’re not scary. They’re kids. They’re beautiful and loved and deserving of all of the attention we have to give. In Psalms 139, David talks about God as knowing everything we do, working or resting, knowing our words even before we speak; we are not forgotten or overlooked. I’m not a biblical scholar but I can say with some certainty that this passage also applies to children. American, African, Mexican, chubby-faced, under-fed, scared, sad, hungry, lonely children; He knows and sees them all. And if the Creator of Heaven and Earth has time for these little ones, I have no right to refuse them.

*As a friendly word of advice, you should never ask the question, “Why would anyone want to adopt or foster from foster care” or “What’s the incentive to adopt?” You will undoubtedly appear callous and ignorant, and run the risk of looking as dumb as the apostles trying to corral little kids away from Jesus.

Thanks for reading,

Stefen